A re-visit

The first time I had paid notes on the word, process, was dated back at the first year of university. It was repeated many time by various professors and classmates. This word didn't make any impact on me when I first en-conuter it. What I care is the get my homework done and how to get things right in such an strange place. Why should I revisied my idea, for it is already the best idea I had. Why should I write down my thoughts and take pictures of the working process for I already know what the final product look likes. Why should I waste all the time to dual with such a meaningless word, process? Do process take a place in my learning so far? As I recall, in all my years of junior high experience in Hong Kong up to S3 and senior high learning at Canada, the word process never had came across my mind. What I care is I only had a week time to finish the assignment, and I hardly had time to re-visit my works for whatsoever reasons and time. I was extremely lost when PROCESS become such a huge things in my university years. I remeber the first assignment for " motion class" in my 3rd year, we were asked the make a piece about "Time", and shared it in next class. What I had done was to draw two different pictures, one with the eye open, and one with the eye closed, and I had spend almost half of the time to frame the picture, so to make it look professional, and that's my finish piece. I were so pleased to show it in the critic board. I think, you can fill in the rest of the foolish story. Since then, I hated the motion teacher, and her name is Saron Romenro. She is a big fat, mean and grey hair witch that make me sick. And I didn't think she can ever take me any further in my study. Days passed Days, suddenly, I realized what PROCESS is about in her class. I can't recall what she had done very specific, but She really made me different. I remeber there was a time, she gave us another challenge, that is to make a 30 seconds motion piece and that had to convey a feeling. No topic, no limited, only 30 seconds. I had no idea at all at the first time, just feeling lost. However, I recall a piece that what done by my classmates for his last assignment at her class. He had used a software, Primeir, that mix with still slide to create a piece about War in general. It was so powerful. And that caught my attention. I was a kindergarden level when I came with the time of using computer at that time. But I knew I must use this software to create my piece of work, I must. Then, I set down before the computer, and tried to recall my memories of what iccidents that catches my stronger emotions, suddenly, the event of June 4, the Tin On Men iccidents rebounds in my head. I was just a kid when it happened, but the pictures were vividly in my head. I started to search some reference and pictures in the net, as I glazed at those thousands and millions pictures, my tears had drowned my heart. I kept crying along the way. That the first time, I really knew that I must do something about it. Finally, with nobody can relay on any help about the software, I read the mannual and tested the result step by step alone in the computer lab for a week. I draw many many pitcures amd explores many many materials. I want each lines, colors and picture to show my feeling. I listened to Baroque music for insights, to get the right notes, the perfect pitch, the stress. I didn't said a word in my representation day, and everybody didn't said a word, including Saron Remonro either.

The time when I had class or not having class with her is another lesson for me to learn about the word, process. She was never satisfied, and forever asking me headache questions. She loves to looked at you very quitely when your eyes were full of spankles and listen to your thoughts. She sometimes will walk in the lonely computer labs to lift you a bit then gone quitely. She will wrote you extrememly long long response even if You asked her a single question after graduate. I am such a lucky person to have her in my life that given me chance to learn what process is about between a teacher and a student.

However, as time moves on after gradute, I started to forget what process is all about and only the products are matters. The first, the second, and the third boss are very easy to please. The liked all the works/designs I had done for them, even I admitted that were crap. I suddenly realizes process is not important, only product/effects is important in the real world. Of course, that shallow idea didn't make me become a prominent designer that had missions and vision to change the field of designs in Hong Kong. For it is the challenge that I made to myself when I graduated. Then, I moved on for a teaching post, because I wanted to become the second Saron Romenro? ! Or just because the paid is much higher for a freshman ? I had been teaching five years for now, as I looked at my career as a teacher, I had made some meaningful statements, and I had become very confident in my teaching experience. However, there were times, (It happened since last years) I doubted how many students will remeber me as I remeber Saron Romenro? A few or none? Then I asked, why shall I keep on working in this meaningless enviroment? To cherish a mandune process is extremely tough, and to credit oneself with worthless products is a pain. The pain to lose ourself, what we are, and what we need. Again, I am a lucky person, for me I totally had none expectations in taking a MA course in Hong Kong, for it is a city of products and produces expected outcomes. Why I will take this course then? Because, I need a Master degree. ( How pitiful for the reality) However, thanks for nicks for letting me know who I am, and what we needs as a humanity. Thanks for never satisfied Ho for questing my answers all the time and to let me re-visiting the most precious monent of PROCESS for which I had been lost in my life for so long. I am still enjoying in my process monments for my project 2. However, I still think of all of my learning is a therapy class, because they all shape me into somewhat different and yet invite me to this wonderful journey of process.

What is a wound?

Do you have a wound?
Before I entered the Saturday Therapy class, I thought I didn't.
Does wound has to assoicate with sadness, disappointment and pain?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

Times with it about pain ***
Last January, I came to visit a friend of mine who had just born a baby girl. It was a sunny day. The sky was blue. It was such a remarkable Sunday. On our way to the hosptial, Man and I were talking about a trip to somewhere. We were both happy and full of hope. As we approaching closer to the hospital, i suddenly didn't want to go. Because, i know I will be asked.
As I looked at the bady, I started to imagine, if he or she were here, perhaps it would be the same age, having a bright eyes likes mine and a funny smile likes Man. A familiar voice disturbed and said, " You are not looking very well, you shall better go to see that doctor and taking more rest." It was what I had been expected. However, sometimes we had been expected things will happened, can we show an expected facial expressions as response for the fact that it's really hurts?

Times with it about growth up***
I knew Man was very frustrated when the miscarriage happened. For he is the one who eager to had a baby, and I am still not
in the mood to becoming a mother. I am not sure can I be a good mother, but I want to learn now. The miscarriage experience shines like a star which inspires me many thoughts about relationships.

I suddenly realizes I had such a strong connections with my mother which I had never experienced, although she had beed gone for eight years. I had the same feelings, worries, and missions as she did. For me, she always reminds me of a fighter. I want to be become her. I am sure that most of the mothers will fight for the best for their love one. As I were watching the film " In Love We Trust" with my best friend, Sandy, who is a dreamy girl with a supportive boyfriend and family, I thought, if I were the mother I will do the same as she did, because it is my baby. Of course, if I were Sandy, who is still single and searching for her life, I will doubted the fact that is it the best way to solve the problem.
Because mother and daughter are just different.

Last night, Man and I were chatting about baby. Just a year, both of us had change. I am happy because I know we had becoming more mature. I know he loves baby, but he said to me yesterday, " if I would had to choose, I would rather no having a baby, because you are the most important person for me."